I’m in a bad way…
I don’t have time to make your naughty list; all I do is binge and purge.
Got a time machine? How’s about a ray gun that zaps calories with little to no fuss.
At this rate I’ll be dead before the 25th or asking the elves to hop skip and jump on making me a new esophagus…
I’d like my two front teeth back old Saint Nick… my blood sugar is acting crazy again. I want some new X-ray specks that see the clusterjam I have caused to my inners…
I’m the creature stirring in the middle of the night … I ate your cookies and your milk and didn’t gain an ounce!
Sorry if I’m coming off base or course… I stopped believing in you when I started believing in this. I need your help Santa.
I want a Holiday season that is bright and peace of mind.
Merry frocking Christmas Santa,
This year, I will not let my ED control my holidays; I will be present for my family. I will not leave right after a meal to go for a run as a punishment for nourishing my soul. I will not stick to pita chips & Greek yogurt, restricting my taste buds & soul from being adventurous. My ED use to strike fear into me anytime I even glanced into a kitchen, but not this year Santa. This year, I will make memories in the kitchen with those I love & who love me & I will participate in my recovery.
Numbers do not measure me, & I refuse to waste anymore time hating myself on the scale. I will not ruin my days by body checking every time I consume anything. I will not be a prisoner to your harsh comments & degrading remarks. I will declare goodness over my life & myself. Whenever I feel like weighing body checking, or myself I will instead see how I can be of service to others.
I deserve freedom. I deserve life. I deserve to enjoy this holiday season. And on the days I feel undeserving, I will remind myself that my family & friends are deserving of my full presence & participation. Santa, all I really want from you this year is support and maybe some more recovery tools. Like a shiny new journal or something. Thank you.
Self-buckling – Wikipedia
Self–buckling. A column can buckle due to its own weight with no other direct forces acting on it, in a failure mode called self–buckling.
Failure mode, I am way too familiar with this setting! Self-sabotage, is about to put its grip on my world again. Destroying me with explosive self-talk and flirting with my destructive nature. Anything to envoke heartbreak and excitement…I need a strike of dopamine!
When I get into failure mode it usually starts with self hate. A negative comment about being stupid or not being “enough”. Telling myself I am afraid and not worthy of love. Then… I like to ruminate about how dumb I am. “Will I ever get a decent job or be able to support myself?”
I don’t understand why I continue to go down this path of self-destruction. Especially when I know the tools of recovery and use them. This is the painful honest truth about mental illness. Recovery isn’t all sunshine and ladybugs. I have weeks where it doesn’t matter how many meetings I go too or how long I meditate, I still struggle. The question is why?
Lately, I have been reaching outside of myself for “self-worth”. Which isn’t even self-worth… It’s just worth! It’s begging for other people to love me, so I don’t have to try to learn to love myself. Sadly that separate’s me from Spirit. I know that isn’t the answer but it feels good and it’s easy. It’s a quick fix with a rush of chemicals to my brain.
In my addict brain I rationalize, “at least I am not restricting, or binging and purging. I am sober today!” But lets get truly honest about this. These are the types of self-loathing actions that make me feel like shit and eventually cause me to act out in one of my many addictions. It’s like circling the drain to a relapse or a first act to the main event.
Since I have been in recovery I have tried to push this darkness out of me. I’ve been, “Super Happy Chic, Spiritual Annoying Chic,” and I do have traits of those “chic’s” in me. My true nature is to be loving and silly but I also have a deep-rooted darkness inside. I don’t like it but it’s without a doubt part of who I am. Since I was a child I have felt this darkness. A neighbor sexually assaulted me at a young age and in that moment a seed was planted. It was like having a dark shameful secret, which could only come out through self-sabotage.
My goal for this blog wasn’t to be obnoxiously depressing. As such, 90% of the time I am optimistic and silly but I am not afraid to admit that I struggle with my depression. In fact, I think all of us do! If you are reading this, either you have an eating disorder or are recovering from one or know someone that is or you are my friend. Which means you are probably just as nutty as me. And thank God! I hate being alone.
Suffering is a part of life! The Buddha based a whole religion on getting out of it, not pretending that it doesn’t exist! The questions I want answered are: Why do we reach outside ourselves for love? Is it possible to accept ourselves just the way we are… and if so how?
The answers and more crazy will be in the next blog!
The purpose for the blog is because I have been asked a couple interesting questions. One client asked me if it was ok to take HGH (human growth hormone). His claim was that it is ok because it’s considered “California Sober” to be overly muscular. That didn’t make sense, so I asked for an explanation. He replied that being obsessed with size or muscle mass is a trend in the sober male community.
Another question I got was, “Am I in danger of a Eating Disorder if all I eat is clean food? I eat every meal, but I won’t eat anything that isn’t pure or organic. The thought of unclean food totally disgusts me.”
After hearing these questions, in the past few days, I’ve seen several news articles about Orthorexia and Bigorexia. Aside from the personal agony they can cause, there also seems to be a current cultural obsession.
Many of the news articles write that Orthorexia is a “newly recognized” eating disorder, even if it isn’t in the DSM (psychiatry’s Bible). I hear a lot more about Orthorexia now then when it was first diagnosed (1997), that’s for sure. Especially with the growth of smartphones and features like Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, and other platforms, Orthorexia has become more frequently discussed. A person (male or female but statically more females) suffering with Othorexia will obsess over clean eating and maintain the perfect diet. They fixate (obsessively and compulsively) on foods; supplements and ingredients that make them feel pure. Rarely do they eat out, distrusting anything that isn’t prepared in a “clean” way.
Bigorexia, better know as Muscle Dysmorphia, is a disorder that causes a person (men or women but statically more males) suffering it to constantly obsess and/or worry about being small, underdeveloped, and/or underweight. Typically those who have Muscle Dysmorphia are not frail or underdeveloped at all, and actually have large muscle mass. They obsess about having the perfect physique and believe their muscles are inadequate. This disorder is another form of Body Dysmorphia and is closely related to OCD.
However, can we actually call it a new disorder? In other words, is it an eating disorder in different clothing? Or could it be more related to obsessive-compulsive disorder than eating disorders? This question will be the subject of my next posts.
Another year of transforming my Ego into Spirit (35-36)
The middle of last year was terrible! My beloved 27-year-old fiancé left me because he somehow figured out 3 months after proposing, “that we had different beliefs and values.” Ahhhh, hello, that is the shit you think about before you pop the question, Dumbass. I had believed him when he said he, “valued my beliefs and wanted the same things in the future.” Liar, Liar, pants on fire. I should have taken more time to get know I was with a narcissistic liar before I decided to marry one. Those masks usually come off around year 2.
Well, enough of that rant. What I am really thankful for is that at the end, he did have the courage to get honest break it off and go away. After he moved his stuff out, he even got rid of his precious kitty.
After this painful experience, something amazing started happening to me. Rebecca Cooper (the Boss) ask me what I was passionate about? My reply had been Eating Disorder Recovery, Spiritual Studies, and being sober. She told me to write about, and she would get back to me. The amazing moment was when she offered me a job assisting her with her up and coming project called DietQ. It wouldn’t be easy. I would have to be trained as a Holistic Health Coach and certified. Since I have always been in fear about my reading ability (due to dyslexia), I really had to think before taking this commitment. Up in till then I believed my only talents where being athletic, stylish, and a good hairstylist. None of those were going to help me study.
What does a girl like me do? Ask her mom (who is a teacher for help). Did I mention I just turned 35? Anyways once the academic ball was rolling, I started to enjoy my inner nerd. I took a Science of the Mind course through my church. If you haven’t seen that book, let me tell you, it is HUGE!!!!! But I didn’t stop there. I decided to start reading and working out of The Artist Way.
For the next 6 months ya I was grieving and growing from the loss of my relationship but I was gaining so much. The work Rebecca and I were and are still are doing was shaping me for a new career and allowing me to work in a field I was passionate for. At church, learning more about Ernst Holmes philosophies only enhanced my spiritual life. It also went hand in hand with some of the work Rebecca had given me to study. And the Artist Way, oh, sweet Julia Cameron how do I love thee. I don’t know if I will ever fully finish The Artist Way. It’s like the Bible or the Big Book you always go back to it. This amazing piece of litituare gave me the confidence to write, to do videos, to paint, and to face my past with silliness and creativity.
Yes, it has now been a year, but that was only the half of it. With my new found tools and new passions in place, I live! I am proud to say that. In the past, I hadn’t really valued my life, and I wasn’t living life passionately. If I felt passion, it was false “Ego” passion. This type of passion makes you rely on someone else to give you positive strokes. Now, I am creating my own passion. I am living my spiritual path. I am grateful for this new source of strength.
I mention the word synchronicity often in my post. To me it is a spiritual believe as real as karma. I wrote a pray in January asking God to bring to me spiritual friendships. I wanted relationships that are likeminded, spiritual, and playful. Those friends were already in my life, but our journey together has forks in the path as each of us changes and grows. If I wasn’t such a spiritual nerd, I say it was odd but it is God.
I needed them during the last week before my 36-birth day. my Love, my Light, my Safe spot, my dog, Jack, passed away suddenly and went to doggy heaven. For a moment, I felt like I lost my love, and again I needed to grieve. Instead what, I gained has been far more powerful. Jack passing opened my eyes to the spiritual meaning of Love. When I surrender my ego (doubts) and live in my passions, I am Love.
Love can heal.
Love can renew.
Love can make us safe.
Love can inspire us with its power.