Self–buckling. A column can buckle due to its own weight with no other direct forces acting on it, in a failure mode called self–buckling.
Failure mode, I am way too familiar with this setting! Self-sabotage, is about to put its grip on my world again. Destroying me with explosive self-talk and flirting with my destructive nature. Anything to envoke heartbreak and excitement…I need a strike of dopamine!
When I get into failure mode it usually starts with self hate. A negative comment about being stupid or not being “enough”. Telling myself I am afraid and not worthy of love. Then… I like to ruminate about how dumb I am. “Will I ever get a decent job or be able to support myself?”
I don’t understand why I continue to go down this path of self-destruction. Especially when I know the tools of recovery and use them. This is the painful honest truth about mental illness. Recovery isn’t all sunshine and ladybugs. I have weeks where it doesn’t matter how many meetings I go too or how long I meditate, I still struggle. The question is why?
Lately, I have been reaching outside of myself for “self-worth”. Which isn’t even self-worth… It’s just worth! It’s begging for other people to love me, so I don’t have to try to learn to love myself. Sadly that separate’s me from Spirit. I know that isn’t the answer but it feels good and it’s easy. It’s a quick fix with a rush of chemicals to my brain.
In my addict brain I rationalize, “at least I am not restricting, or binging and purging. I am sober today!” But lets get truly honest about this. These are the types of self-loathing actions that make me feel like shit and eventually cause me to act out in one of my many addictions. It’s like circling the drain to a relapse or a first act to the main event.
Since I have been in recovery I have tried to push this darkness out of me. I’ve been, “Super Happy Chic, Spiritual Annoying Chic,” and I do have traits of those “chic’s” in me. My true nature is to be loving and silly but I also have a deep-rooted darkness inside. I don’t like it but it’s without a doubt part of who I am. Since I was a child I have felt this darkness. A neighbor sexually assaulted me at a young age and in that moment a seed was planted. It was like having a dark shameful secret, which could only come out through self-sabotage.
My goal for this blog wasn’t to be obnoxiously depressing. As such, 90% of the time I am optimistic and silly but I am not afraid to admit that I struggle with my depression. In fact, I think all of us do! If you are reading this, either you have an eating disorder or are recovering from one or know someone that is or you are my friend. Which means you are probably just as nutty as me. And thank God! I hate being alone.
Suffering is a part of life! The Buddha based a whole religion on getting out of it, not pretending that it doesn’t exist! The questions I want answered are: Why do we reach outside ourselves for love? Is it possible to accept ourselves just the way we are… and if so how?
The answers and more crazy will be in the next blog!