“It is in the Shit where the most Beautiful flowers grow.” –Tanya
The feeling of rejection is nothing new to me. I have been rejected by lovers, employers, friends, even my dog left me for my dad but those rejections happened when I was a drunk, anorexic/bulimic bitch. Not to say they weren’t painful but my disease had a big part on why I got tossed to the side. The type of rejection I am trying to process now is hard. Well, it’s not harder but it’s far more painful.
You see, I got sober in December of 2014 and in Aug 2015 I met a boy, I say boy because that is the truth. I thought I met a man, but he hadn’t grown out of the selfish little boy stage. I fell deeply in love. At the time, I was the very best version of myself that I had ever been. My life had taken a big turn into the spiritual world. I was learning to love my physical, mental, and spiritual self for the first time. Sharing this newfound love and spirituality with someone else was exciting and sexy. After being involved with several Narcissist, I was very careful to communicate my wants and needs. I set boundaries for myself. I tried to be very honest about my beliefs and values. Something at 34, I hadn’t considered in my past relationships.
If it sounds like therapy, it was. Before meeting this boy, I had undergone 6 months of relationship therapy on my own. I was determined to not repeat my mistakes of the past. I was going to Achieve relationship greatness. So, I thought!
After 10 months of dating, we decided to move in together and get engaged. The proposal was something out of a dream. It took place on a local beach that was a favorite of mine. Our friends and my family watched. The photographer, a family friend, hid on the hill and took pictures of the whole thing. It was truly a magical day. I was so happy and couldn’t believe that this was my new life and future. Only seven months prior, I had hit my rock bottom and thought my life wasn’t worth living. Now, I was going to marry the “man” of my dreams, my life partner.
We moved into the condo that my family had owned since my last divorce. I had been married before but that story will need to wait. During that period, I was defiantly not the best version of myself. After moving in together, we started to plan the wedding. I started to nest like crazy. I had wanted badly to share my home with someone I loved. I was so excited. Maybe too excited. I wanted to do all the perfect wifely things; make breakfast, send my man to work with lunch, have him come home to beautiful home, and a warm homemade meal. I worked at my job, being a sponsor, and attending meetings while still being that perfect wife-to-be. I thought I had achieved my dream. Then, he started to work more and travel more. He began to resent me for the clean house and nice meals. I tried harder; thinking this was what he wanted. He continued to push me away. The rejection was like a knife to my sober little heart.
I didn’t understand. I wasn’t acting out my Eating Disorder. I wasn’t drinking. I wasn’t being a bitch. Those were the reasons I was rejected in the past. I kept going to meetings, working with others, praying, and meditating. All the tools I knew that made me the best me weren’t working. I had to get in solution! So I asked my mentor/sponsor/angel Rebecca what could I do? Thinking she was going to give me relationship advise.
She said “Lara, what are you Passionate about?”
“What?” I thought. “I am passionate about not getting dumped.”
“No what are YOU Passionate about?” she repeated.
“Crap!” I hadn’t thought about me in while. I was only thinking about him, and my perfect dream life.
I meditated on what Rebecca had asked and this is what fell out of my heart. I want to help men and women with Eating Disorders find themselves and learn to love their bodies and value themselves. She told me to lean into my Passion. She told me to write about it and send her what I had written. I focused on this assignment. It was like God was guiding me back on to my path. I wasn’t so focused on what the boy was or wasn’t doing. I had integrity, a passion. I gave her what I had written. She called me a few days later asking if I would be interested in training to be a Holistic Health Coach for her new business adventure. Heck, yes I would! When I excitedly told my partner, he said cool and went on his way.
Our home life never got messy with fights or yelling matches, but there were a lot of tears on my part. I remained confused about the value of my being an honest, forthright person. He eventually said simply “I don’t have the same beliefs and values and as you,” and walked out.
Once more I was rejected! This time I was rejected when I was strong and healthy. My first thought wasn’t to drink or binge and purge. It was to lean into my recovery toolbox and my passions. These new growths were painful and confusing, but I know now I have integrity. My beliefs and values have never faltered during “hurting” period. They have only grown stronger. The pain of being rejected at a time when I thought I was at my best still stings. However, I see now my Creator has bigger, better, and more important plans for me.