Last blog I brought up the questions. Why do we reach outside ourselves for love? Is it possible to accept ourselves just the way we are and if so how?
The other day I had this amazing one-hour meditation, where I could feel the vibrations tingling from my fingertips down into my pelvis. Aaaaaand right when I broke meditation I went to my phone and checked to see if my lover text me. He didn’t! So immediately just like that my mind went, “you are not enough.” Well there goes my self-worth. In 20 seconds flat I went from spiritual bliss to “I am not enough.” I realized this had nothing to do with the guy or the lack of text. It’s the ongoing battle between Self and Self.
My example points out the fact that I am not reaching for my cell phone to find love. I am reaching for attention and validation that I am worthy of being loved. And that is were it gets tricky. For 20 years I told myself I was not lovable. That my body was not suitable for another person to hold or nurture. My eating disorder deprived me of the ability to learn to love. It feels at times like I am a 14 year old girl learning to be a women at 36. It is laborious.
One of the most delighting moments in recovery is when you realize you are no longer separate from the world or broken. Recovery teaches us how to be whole again. With time and a little self-introspection, self-love begins to appear. It starts when you decide to feed your body something nourishing and keep it down, or when you decide not to eat something you know will trigger you. These vital first steps are the keystones to self-love.
The answer is…I don’t know. What are we really reaching for? If love already exists inside each of us.
I don’t know this either! That is my answer. In the three years I have been doing this (recovery) I can honestly say I’m still learning to accept “me”, just the way I am. When I asked my mentors what their thoughts were. Both of them replied with “acceptance.” Learning to accept you and others for our deep-rooted assets and grow from our character defects. I think Rumi explains it best in a poem called “The Guest House.”
This being human is a guesthouse.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.